I thought to myself, finally someone out there is making a movie on something which is an incredibly common phobia, this is going to be AMAZING! How wrong was I. After watching this movie I asked my partner what would she do in the females position of having to look after the porcelain Momma’s boy, she replied “shave him and put lipstick on him” - I found this response better than watching the entire movie. I don’t recall one part of this film which I sat an thoroughly enjoyed. So if he had been shaved and made up, maybe then I would have had that slight bit of entertainment.
So we start off and the obviously attractive babysitter girl rocks up at obviously isolated house and an obviously good looking guy is there to greet here, what a fucking groundbreaking start! She walks into the strangers house even though they haven’t even came down to greet her which in my opinion is just damned bad manners so I’m already sat hoping potfingers fucks her up a bit for being so stereotypical.
The couple she’s working for come downstairs and lo and behold as if the title didn’t give it away, it’s not a child……….it’s a fucking doll. I have to say as well the creepy doll bears resemblance to an 8 year old peadophile. She gets a set of rules which you can see her already disregarding inside her head as she’s taught how to put a doll in PJs and tuck it up for the night, at this point I would have been ordering Dominos and a truck tonne of movies on the sly for the easy time ahead. There’s an attic. As if this movie couldn’t be anymore fucking original - we now have a mysterious attic where the audience is supposed to wonder what happens beyond the ladder! I did not, I wondered when is this going to end as I can feel my mind thinking about going back to the Indian takeaway I’ve left downstairs for morning. I mean she ends up going to explore the attic NAKED, as if I couldn’t be more frustrated at how unoriginal this is, like a lot of other current horrors it has quickly gone down the road to try and make you focus on the potential tits rather than how fucking bored you are by the plot. I’d wrote a decent amount of things to comment on for after the film but truth be told - all I can say to truly summarise it would be Hollywood horror. The jumps are cheap, the twists are obvious and Brahms (child) just turns into more of a pervert as the movie progresses. If the girl was feeling that fucked up by what was happening surely you’d just get a heavy object and smash his porcelain face in? Well, being quicker about doing this anyways. (OOPS spoiler alert, but if you hadn’t seen that coming then I’m going to guess you’re someone who watched this and thought it was pure golden).
If you ask me, all Brahms wanted was a bit of action judging by him acting like a randy teenager during the movie, even encased in a pot shell there was no stopping the lad from trying to scope her in the shower. Gotta give it to him for that I guess.
Terrible. Avoid. Stay clear. 2/10